The Battle of the Free Spirit & The Good Deed Doer

The last week of every month for me is a lot like cramming for a final. There's always a couple goals I set for myself spiritually every month relating to the energy that Kabbalah says is made available during that time of that particular year. (A lot of Kabbalah is rooted in astrology and numerology. More on this later.) I always have moments of slacking throughout the month, so when it comes down to the final days, I feel this need to focus all of my attention, not just to work on these goals but to actually "transform," as they say, and make it second nature to me so I can move on to subsequent lessons in the next month.

So, February was the month of Shevat, or Aquarius, and Aquarian energy permeated us all throughout the past few weeks, whether we tapped into it or not. Those born under this sign tend to think globaly with big ideas for how to better the world. This part was easy for me as I was already planning to launch KabbalahCurious.com in February. But the challenge for Aquarians lies in letting someone in on a personal level. This one has been a doozy!

Although letting people in has always been difficult for me, it's no coincidence that this month where the energy is available to fix this problem also happens to be the month that my boyfriend moves into my apartment. I've also been plagued throughout the month with this difficulty of letting people in when it comes to my acting, as mentioned in a previous post. And, adding yet more irony, months ago my tarot card reading for the winter told me that the phrase for the season is: "Let go!"

Let Go! ...as in, stop trying so hard. Stop watching yourself. Stop judging yourself so hard. Stop second guessing your every move. Let go and let people into the real you. Because the wall that is up has made my life less organic and it is killing my creativity.

So I'm balls deep in the study this week preparing for the transformation and this morning during my meditation I get this message and begin scribbling, per usual the words as they flow from my third eye to my brain: "Letting people in - one would think I do that 24/7 just looking at my career. All the blogs, sexual exploits, baring of soul, et. al. But it's all being controlled by me. It's me letting people in only when I'm in control of how much I let them in and how much I show them and when I choose to show it. It's safe that way. It's not getting me out of my comfort zone, which is where the magic happens. LOSE CONTROL. Life is in that!"

With this in mind, I go to my first class at The Groundlings today, which is a different acting class than what I'm accustomed to. It's a school for improv, the most famous one in the world actually, that "Saturday Night Live" has pulled nearly all of its actors from since the show premiered.

As it turns out, the keys to great improv are actually quite spiritual, like any form of creativity. But more than that, it's even about what I'm learning this week and the message I got in my meditation this morning. You see, the key to good improv is in clearing your mind completely. It's all about spontaneity and not pre-planning what it is you're going to do or say. It's not about trying to be funny or clever, but just about... letting go. There are no mistakes in improv. We are banned from saying "I'm sorry" in the class because nothing is ever wrong. If someone "slips" and say something that doesn't make sense, it's up to that person's partner on stage to make it make sense and that becomes the hilarity.

The instructor said something that really stuck with me: "You can make no mistakes in improv so stop fearing that you're going to and stop apologizing when you feel you have. And that should give you a great deal of power. Can you imagine what it would feel like if you knew on a constant basis that you could never make any mistakes? If you believe that you are perfect, everyone else will believe you're perfect. "

It made me think, "Hmm... there really are no mistakes. I already believe everything 'is' for a reason. What on Earth do I EVER have to be afraid of or apologize for? We ALL make mistakes and those mistakes are always meant to be because we grow from them. We really can do no wrong."

Or maybe more succintly: None of us are perfect, therefore we are all perfect.

The instructor continued: "It's about getting back to that place in time where we were totally unapologetic for who we were and we just WERE without thinking. Back to that time when we weren't watching everything we said and judging every mistake we make. Back when it wasn't so controlled. There is no controlling an improv or it is no longer an improv, by the very definition of the word."

For some people, that time and place is as early as 4 years old. I didn't feel that way at 4. I felt that way at 13. And only at school. I could never be myself at home due to various forms of repression and pure insanity, so when I went to school it was like I had been bottled up for the past 12+ hours and just BURST during the time I was out of the house. From 13 - 18, I never watched myself at school. I said what I wanted, I did what I wanted, I was unapologetic. C'mon, I was a teenager - I knew it all! I was also a completely insensitive, selfish and uncaring bitch, which is why I started spiritual study at 18 after my first true love put a mirror up to my face when he left me. But the more that I studied, the more humbled I became and the more apologetic I became and the smaller I realized I was in the grand scheme of things. All good things to be, but not when it comes to improv, huh? Not when it comes to any form of creativity.

So how do I get back to that place of "being free" and "losing control" and "letting people in" and "not watching myself" without being a complete ass? How do you believe everything you do is perfect without being an egomaniac? It's an ox AND a moron, isn't it? It's like a riddle.

The answer? Came to me while I was studying The Kabbalah this afternoon, of course. The answer hit me out of nowhere: It is no longer arrogance telling me that everything I do is perfect and that I can make no mistakes, but instead a deeper understanding of the human experience and spirituality. It's realizing that EVERYONE is perfect and that there are NO mistakes for ANYONE as opposed to the comparison of, "I am perfect and you're not."

It's global. Not local.

Which also replaces "judgement" with love and absolute tolerance.

You have no idea how huge this revelation is for me! I'm constantly battling the balance of my spiritual beliefs with how to continue being a free spirit, a raw nerve so I can keep my creative energy alive!

I feel free, like I did as a teenager, for the first time in 7 years. It's as though I've been reborn. I've found my way back "home" knowing so much more than I did before. And strangely enough, all month people from high school, some of whom I don't even remember, have been contacting me out of nowhere, reminding me of what I was like then and how I inspired them! Literally dozens. All at once, the flood of the past comes in like a signal, calling me back.

All just mere weeks after visiting my old hometown of Sarasota, Florida, too. With my boyfriend. Who has now moved in with me. Who I have also been forced to "let go" with. Uh-huh. It's a little crazy how it all fits like pieces of a puzzle, isn't it?

Goodness and there's so much more irony, folks. As if we haven't already had enough physical allegories to confirm for me that I'm on the right track with this revelation, get this! I turned 26 on the 26th of November going into the year 2006 where only two zeros are separating the number 26. The real Kabbalah (not the dumbed down version I've been studying!) is hardcore entrenched in numerology and mathematics, but I don't know a lot about it. But I know numbers have a certain power and energy and meaning attached to them. So, I tried researching it online a few months go when I turned 26 and all I could find was talk of how there are 26 letters in the alphabet, 26 bones in the spine and how the numeric value of the letters in "God" equal 26. Which is fascinating! But doesn't tell me shit about what it means, right?

Well, as I mentioned yesterday, I joined that kick ass Kabbalah group on Yahoo! and low and behold, someone had an answer for me this evening -- after this amazing revelation had already occured during my day. First, I was informed that it is the only number that falls between a squared number and a cubed number which makes it very unique so that's symbolic that this will be a year that stands out amongst the rest for me. But the really awe inspiring part came when a teacher named Logan told me the real Kabbalistic meaning of the number 26. He wrote:

Well 25 is the square of 5 and 27 is the cube of 3. 26 therefore symbolises the gateway between 5 in 2 dimensions and 3 in 3 dimensions.

Luria states that the Root of the Shattering is Din (Gevurah - 5).

26 is The point where you completely stop planning yourself.

I am that I am.

...And it all ties together. And I feel like I just got home.


JASON'S OTHER SITES:
JasonCurious.com
JasonSechrest.com
DV8Entertainment.com

RELATED SITES:
Kabbalah.com
72.com - Technology for the Soul
The Zohar - Weekly Studies
SpiritualityforKids.com

* KabbalahCurious.com is not endorsed or sponsored by The Kabbalah Centre. Though we would love to be!

Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com