Sex & Spirituality
So I'm now in a monogamous relationship for the first time in God knows when and that's brought up a lot of questions from people, namely boiling down to: Why?
Well, Mikey and I have a lot of faith based in living a life with No Fear and during the first year of our relationship, we saw monogamy as a practice people perform because they are afraid. The last thing we wanted was to have one ounce of our connection be tainted by any sort of fear: Fear that we will find someone hotter than us, fear that we will fall in love with another, fear that we will pay someone more attention, and by giving into these fears thereby shouting the world that we fear our bond is not strong enough. We replaced Fear with Faith. We truly do know deep in our heart that we are Soul Mates and that we have a connection no one else can penetrate, no matter how many people are penetrating or being penetrated by us! And furthermore, we felt our relationship shouldn't be wholly based on sex. After five years of being best friends, how could we possibly fear that anyone else will ever understand us more, care about us more, love us more after a random fuck?
And so it went. We were in an open relationship with the one rule being absolute honesty. We had to tell each other everything, which more often than not, ended up turning us on. But as time went by and our love for each other grew stronger by the day, our desire for dalliances with others became less and less. Although we had the option to be with anyone we wanted, we started to find that we just didn't want to. Suddenly, sex with other people was never as good. Personally, this was mind-boggling to me and has taken me quite a bit of time to get my head around. I mean, how?! How is this person, who I didn't even look at sexually for five years of my life, now the greatest lay I've ever had? Why doesn't anyone else do it for me anymore? Why... do I suddenly WANT monogamy, not out of fear, but out of pure desire for it?
This forced me to really look inward regarding sex and the hundreds of men and women whom I'd laid down with before now. By accepting that this man is the greatest of them all, I had to accept that sex actually is a "connection." Men, in particular, so often disassociate sex from any sort of emotional or spiritual connection, but the mere act of it alone should prove that it is at the very least a "physical" connection. And as we all know, the physical mirrors the spiritual.
Considering the amount of people I've slept with in the past five years, I'd say I was unconsciously craving just about any kind of connection I could get. I was filling a void. HA! Literally and metaphysically, no? And there's nothing wrong with that. According to Kabbalah, "connecting" to people is what we're all put on this Earth to do. We are all made of up of desire. It is the core essence of a human being. Therefore, according to Kabbalistic wisdom, there is no more potentially spiritual conduit for the expression of our desire than sex. It is a beautiful thing.
But it becomes less beautiful by the mere act of ignoring its beauty or not being aware of its beauty. Sex is only as great as the energy that you infuse into it. The more "naked" you get, the more you allow yourself to truly "connect" with that person, the better it is. I work in pornography and see naked people every day. It does nothing for me. It never really did because it is so mechanical and all business. But someone being emotionally naked, opening up their soul, letting themselves become vulnerable... that is the hottest thing in the world to me.
That's what I get with my boyfriend that I can't get and won't get with anyone else. Your "connection" to each person is unique, which is why sex with every person is different. Once you find your Soul Mate and experience the connection on that level, there's really no going back. Nothing ever tastes as sweet again.
So new game, new rules. Total monogamy with the exception of the occasional threesome because let's face it, I'm 26 and he's 27. It's not like we're never going to have sex with another person for the rest of our lives. I'd just rather have it with him there so that amazing connection is still part of the sexual experience. Will we slip up? Maybe. I'd like to think we won't because we've both experienced so much already and have come to this conclusion mutually and of our own volition. But hey, if we slip up in some drunken stupor, we just have to be honest, own up to it and tell each other. People make mistakes. The real mistake would be in not telling each other. Honesty and communication are so essential in keeping "connections" of any kind unscathed.
Look, I love Snickers most of all, but variety is the spice of life and after years of having Snickers day after day, I may want a Milky Way, right?
It's just that these days I find myself thinking, why even bother when I already have the whole damned candy store?
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posted by Jason Sechrest | 10:23 AM
10 Comments:
Well said my young friend. My lover and I will have been together for 23 years on July 26th of this year. We are going to spend it in several countries in Europe. You are totally correct in your assumption of what SEX is; quoting the Kabbalah. I wish you are your partner (friend) nothing but the happiness that my lover and I have shared. There are ups and downs and yes the occasional threesome, where one of our feelings gets hurt, but we are still together and VERY happy and emotionally secure!!
Dear Jason,
I saw the blurb on GAYVN about your KabbalahCurious blog, and I just wanted to share a humorous (?) anecdote.
I very dear friend of mine is a forty-something careerwoman, wife, and mother of two teenage sons. She is an observant Jew on L.A.'s Westside, and a follower of Kabbalah. One day some time ago, I asked why she had a red thread around her left wrist, and she explained to me about the red bendel.
I review gay porn informally for a couple of firms, both at the retail and the content distribution level (cable, satellite, hotels/resorts, etc.) My day job is in computer consulting. Anyway, my friend is very open minded, and was a sociology major in college -- in short she is interested in all aspects of human nature, and I have loaned her several gay and bi pornos.
Every time I see a performer with a red bendel in a porno, I chuckle inwardly feeling like I know a secret. I have been known to screen-capture a still on the computer and e-mail it to her. Damon Blows America #6, several productions by Michael Lucas, and even a recent title from Chi Chi's Channel 1 Releasing ("Seeing Stars" -- in the final scene a red bendel is on Jason Ridge's left wrist, even as he is furiously fingering Theo Blake's asshole...!)
Having been raised an agnostic in a decidedly WASPish community, it has only been as an adult that I have become aware of certain subtleties in various faiths, including (but not limited to) Judaism.
No real point here, just sharing an observation that you may or may not have noticed yourself...!
Best regards to you,
-- Charles Barrett
Granada Hills, CA
AMEN! I fully believe in monogamy, though I tend to date guys who are "straight", or in the closet, or leading a double life. But I would have to say that the thing I strive for most in a relationship is someone I can be fully devoted to and be devoted to me. I know that in my line of work that sounds like something ridiculous. But just like actors you see in Hollywood feature films my work on film is just that, work. I do enjoy what I do for a living don't get me wrong, but I know at the end of the day when I go home it's still just my job.
I hope someday I can find what you and your partner have.
Charles, I HAVE noticed! A lot of gay porn stars have approached me about their interest in Kabbalah and wanting to learn more. Chances are, if you see a red string, I may have been the one to give it to them. HA! xox L, J.
Eric, Mwah! Thank you so much for the kind words. I feel like we have grown so much together and I often wonder what in the world we were thinking before we were thinking, you know? I'm sure you do. Give your man a big lick for us! xox L, J.
Caleb, it doens't sound ridiculous at all. L, J.
Sorry that my earlier red bendel anecdote was off-topic; today is my first visit to your blog.
On-topic, my partner of over 16 years, Randy, and I have always had an open relationship (heck, we met in a three-way after meeting in a bar). Yet we hardly ever exercise that option. We may enjoy a third party or another couple, but we've only soloed on one or two occassions. Honesty is essential, of course, but we also have the three cardinal rules:
-- Never in anger.
-- Never in secret.
-- Always be home for supper.
I'm 42 and Randy is 47, and this has worked for us!
Charles, wow! I freaking love your rules! I wish we'd heard them last year. Thanks for sharing them. We laid down only two rules going into our relationship: "No fear and absolute honesty." It kind of covers all ground for us, still today. xox L, J.
I hope you write more on this topic. There are very few people who I feel can speak intelligently about monogamy and alterative lifestyles that don’t fall into a stereotype. You’ve thought about the subject quite a bit and I agree with many of your points. Thank you for being willing to share your sincere and honest opinions with us.
Lizz, I'm hoping Mikey will sign in and post his own viewpoints here in the comments section eventually! HAHA! But he's as busy as I am and this is a form of "work" for me, let's face it. (Advertisment at the very least.) But I will definitely continue to keep you updated on our sex life! LOL xox L, J.
Post Script:
At the risk of restating the obvious, I hope that y'all know that when I listed my partner's and my three cardinal rules:
-- Never in anger.
-- Never in secret.
-- Always be home for supper.
The third rule is a metaphor (who cares where someone dines!), meaning "don't let a sexual dalliance distract you from your at-home duties and responsibilities". The 'home for supper' is a kinda shorthand for those household acts/functions a committed partner would come to expect from his/her mate, as well as the attention and affection the partner is due.
I'm probably restating the obvious, but just to be sure...!
-- Charles
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