The Duality of the Two Fish

The two faces of me.

So far, my biggest challenge throughout Pisces/Adar/Qoph has been that of duality. As I'd mentioned in a prior post at the beginning of Pisces, duality plays a large part this month when it comes to the energy available to tap into for our own personal corrections.

Personally, duality for me has always been a problem.

I am such an extremist its sick. I live my life behaving like the "perfect human being" (a ridiculous concept) for six months or I go totally crazy and throw all caution to the wind for six months. I know NOTHING of balance. To go to the gym but then eat junk food later that day? Nut uh. That makes me want to claw at the walls.

But this is not my intrinsic nature. This is what I have become and that's what this month is all about. The two fish of Pisces. Duality.

We have two feet, two legs, two arms, two hands, two eyes, two ears. We are born of duality. But I can't see the two fish as ultimately one big fish. I see it as two fish swimming in different directions. I see Gemini.

I'm five minutes late for acting class? I'm not going. And hell, if I'm not going to that, I might as well cancel everything and just take the whole day off! The day is OVER. Until 5 am the next morning, my life is pure chaos. And then at 5 am the next morning, I can switch over to 100% opposite. But it has to be 100%, 100% of the time.

I watch my boyfriend work for a few hours and then watch a television show and I can't tell you how enraged it makes me. Why? Jealousy. I'm so jealous that he can do that without hating himself. If I did that, I would despise myself for the rest of the day and call myself weak. I am constantly evaluating everything that I do. And this began way before my study of Kabbalah. This has gone on since I was about 13, probably. I'm constantly asking myself, "How will what I'm doing in this moment affect me 10 mins. from now or 10 years from now?" And if it's not a great answer, I hate myself so much. BUT! I won't allow myself to hate myself because I am smarter than that, so instead of hating myself, I just go, "This is ME. This who I AM, damn it, and this is who I will be for the rest of the day! Week! Maybe year!"

I have no sense of balance.

In an acting scene, I am either so far gone into a character that I can't remember where I'm supposed to stand because I'm so into it or I remember everything technically but can't connect emotionally. Same with music. I find it difficult to blend technique with feeling. Hell, same with anything. I am just bad at blending. Period. Except sex and spirituality! I guess that has been my first step. This was the starting point. Now I can just expand from here.

It's either a fruit shake, a rice cake and a salad with fish or if my menu strays from that one little bit, I have to eat until I hurt. There's just so many examples. And the crazy thing is that I'm in a constant state of punishing myself either way.

However, the other part of this month is to see the negative and dive into it and analyze it so as to rid ourselves of it, BUT not to wallow in it or be sad, but rejoice and filled with bliss because it means we are growing! Right?

Okay, so. Finding the core... hmm.

I was developed from age 4 - 15 this way by my stepfather, of course. I would bring home an A- on a report card and he'd look at it in disgust and say, "You're going to tell me you can get an A- but you can't get an A+? That's bullshit. You're not trying hard enough." I'd point out the A+ that was on there too and it would be, "Of course that's an A+. It's drama or English. You like that. That's no feat." If I was reading three books, why wasn't I reading four and why wasn't it a harder book? It was never enough. In fact, my personal "Name of God" in Kabbalah according to my birth chart is: "Enough Is Never Enough." And I got to a point as a teenager where I knew I would never satisfy, so I stopped trying altogether. Went from A- to F real real fast and stayed there. Because I was like, fuck this. If it's not enough, it's not enough so what's the point?

And that has carried into today. When I work hard for 12 hours a day, if I take an hour off, I'm mad at myself and my inner demon says that I wasn't good enough. And then my ego replies, well if enough is never enough, fuck you. I'm shutting down completely then. We'll see how you like that, demon. And my soul in the meantime, as I can picture it right now, is in a tug of war between that demon and my ego.

Ya know, I've come very far in my life because of my insane and unhealthy work ethic, yes. But what if I could go further by making taking more hours off? Making more pit stops? What if it stopped me from jealousy of others when they do it? What if it gave me more "fuel" so I didn't need "artificial" Ripped Fuel when I'm constantly operating on 4 hours of sleep a night?

A race car driver can't win the race by going full speed ahead the entire time. He would run out of gas. He has to stop a lot along the way at the pit stops.

This also comes back to another theme we've discussed here recently: "Nobody is perfect and therefore everyone is perfect."

It is really my huge demon of the moment and my challenge to correct this month, the idea of balancing the duality of the dark with the Light, as is symbolic in the two fish. But for some reason, being 90/10 or 30/70 makes me sick to my stomach. It has to be 100% all the way. But in truth, that would be 0/100. Which is equal to nothing.

Fish have the ability to swim so easily in all directions, swimming between both the phsyical realm and the spiritual realm. How? Maybe because, as fish, they rely completely on instinct and have no sense of judging themselves. This goes along with last month's lesson of "letting go," leading into this new one perfectly. To be able to recognize your duality and find balance is the gift this month that we have the ability to tap into. Actually, because it's relying on our natural instinct and "letting go" that gets us there, maybe it's more appropriate to say that we are to realize we're already tapped into it! It's our original structure.

So again, my friends, it all ties together. At our natural state, when we "let go," we are like the two fish swimming in both realms of physicality and spirituality without self-consciousness or judgment, not because we're trying to but because it is our "instinct" to, and from there, we face our challenges head on but with great joy knowing that it is furthering our spiritual growth. That's what the next few weeks are all about.

Good luck!



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