Roller Coaster: Letting Go

Yesterday I drove down to San Diego with one of my best friends, fellow D-List celebutante Angel Benton, to meet up with Brent Corrigan (pictured here), his boyfriend Grant and their webmaster Jeremy, at the San Diego County Fair. Mikey was moving out of the apartment all day and that was not something I wanted to be here for. In fact, I haven't even laid eyes on him in over a week now!

I love to drive so the three hours in the car listening to music with Angel was very cleansing for me. I turned to him at one point and said, "I haven't had this much time to just sit and think in so long. I feel like I'm pregnant with the new me and I have no idea who the father is."

So after swimming inside of myself for the drive down, the fast rides and deep fried twinkies were exactly what I needed to take me out of that introspection and into fun mode. It was kind of a shock to my system, really. If you're looking to force yourself to have some fun, I highly suggest getting on roller coasters you wouldn't normally get on that you know will scare the shit out of you. You'll scream, you'll cry and eventually you'll laugh and realize, as Liza sings, that the world is still going 'round.

Apparently, the hottest guys on the planet can be found at the San Diego fair too. I mean, every type you could possibly wish for was there in unbelievably stunning beauty. Even Angel was agog at the crowd and told me that the OC and LA county fairs were nothing like this! I wish so bad that I'd brought a camera or at the very least my business cards for recruiting. I decided next year I'm taking a tricked out porn girl with me to get all the straight boys to come jack off for my site.

Speaking of hot boys, Brent and posse showed up later in the day and after only an hour or so at the fair, we were all collectively ready for a real meal. Grant treated us all to the most amazing veal dish at Arrivederci in Hillcrest, accompanied appropriately with Brent's commentary on how the youngest meat is the most succulent. He and Grant really make the cutest couple and seem devoted to making it work between them. They both made me laugh a lot and helped bring me out of my funk even more.

After dinner, Brent and Grant went home, but Angel and I dragged Jeremy to Rich's and danced our asses off until nearly 1 am.

On the way back to Los Angeles, Angel was interested, after having heard everything from soup to nuts on the Mikey debacle, in hearing about my past relationships. Then I started asking about his and it became one long stroll down memory lane for the two of us.

At 4:30 am I arrived home from San Diego. Just pulling into the driveway here I felt the heaviness of what I knew I'd see when I walked through my door -- no trace of him. I had an amazingly fun day in San Diego, but nothing could have prepared me for that.

Today has been interesting. This place desperately needs to be cleaned since the move but I haven't done a thing. I'll be able to tomorrow, but today was just about soaking in the space. It feels just like it did before he moved in here, which is a very differently feeling altogether and brings me back to that "space" of independence and free thinking and the things that come with the single life from perpetual horniess to loneliness, which are both probably the same thing.

So I've done a lot of work on the computer today and have watched a lot of TV. It's been one of those days where everything I see has some sort of message for me. I saw the movie 28 Days with Sandra Bullock on Lifetime, which seems to pop up on my radar every three years and every time I get something new from it. It's such an awesome script. And was perfect for me today.

Sandra Bullock: I know what the worlds perception is of girls who sleep with other girls' boyfriends and who leave their three year old godson in the back seat of their car for too long and --

Viggo Mortenson: Those are just things that you've done. They're not who you are. Who you are is just fine.

This made me think a lot of Mikey. I suppose it's true. But there's a fine line though. Because even though we are not the mistakes that we have made, we have still made them and they have affected other people. Doesn't mean we're a bad person, but it also doesn't mean that the people we cut don't bleed, need bandages and time to heal.

"When you're throwing a pitch, if you start focusing on the tiny place where the ball is supposed to go then it seems impossible and you have psyched yourself out. As a pitcher, what you have to realize is that what happens after you release the ball is out of your control. So you focus on the things you can control. You can control your stance. You can control your eye contact. You can control what youre thinking. Where the ball goes after you release it is... well, literally, it's not in your hands." - Viggo Mortenson

I am such a control freak. I have always known how afraid I am of being out of my own control, which is ridiculous because technically we're all out of our own control all the time, but I never really realized how awful this was for me until I started taking improv classes at The Groundlings. So much of what we do there has to do with trust and giving up control and not premeditating anything, all of which is extremely difficult for me. This quote was an interesting way of putting things into perspective. I guess I've always kind of thought that giving up control meant being helpless. But, as is in everything, the truth lies in the gray, in that "inbetween" area. You control what you can. You surrender to what you can't. And as they say in AA, you pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

I was also watching a clip on YouTube today of Tori Amos on TRL a few years back, discussing the video for "Spark." She says:

"This car crash saved her life so the idea is that some things are really horrible for one person, but they are life saving for another. Then she starts to find a will in herself to strive, to stay alive and she starts believing in her ability to get through. I think the main thing is, here she is, blindfolded and with her hands tied behind her back, but she's finding her way, having to trust her instincts. You don't know where you're going to go from one minute to the next. Life is that precious. People forget, we don't know where we're going to be an hour from now and we don't appreciate that. And what I love is that from one second to the nex,t she doesn't know how she's going to get through, but she's coming through for herself."

Wow, this one hit me like a ton of bricks! I have felt so vulnerable lately because for the first time I really realize that we DON'T have any idea where we're going to be an hour from now! We are so accostomed to saying words like "never" and "always" and "forever" and "till death do us part" and we believe those things are real, but they are such illusions. We don't have control. Our hands truly are behind our back and hell, most of us may as well be blindfolded the way we live our lives half the time. And this dawning for me has been really very frightening. It's turned me nearly phobic in the past week, thinking while walking up stairs that they could fall out from underneath me and I could fall to my death. Because if this thing, this realtionship, that I put so much trust and faith into was not "forever," or at the very least wasn't what I thought it was, then nothing is as it seems and everything could crash and burn at any moment. But instead of fearing that, Tori embraces it because she thinks that makes every second so precious. She sees it as life affirming, not depricating and that's the choice that we all have to make.


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JasonCurious.com
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Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com