Unconditional Love: My Dad
Constant readers know my father, Dale Sechrest, is a locally acclaimed folk musician from Columbus, Indiana, the town where I was born and raised until 13 years old. Once the best of friends, our relationship has been strained lately due to our polar opposite lifestyles: I'm gay and work in hardcore pornography, he's hardcore Christian and works with evangelists.
When I told my father I was bi years ago, he didn't freak out by any means but just got very quiet and told me that it would take a while for him to process the information and deal with it in his own way. About a month later, his fourth wife died, leaving him with a newborn baby, my only sibling. He was so devastated, I think he had managed to completely forget what I had told him about my sexuality. A couple of years later, I mentioned it to him and he went silent on me for the rest of my Christmas visit. When I returned home, he told me he had honestly blocked it out until I reminded him and that he was worried about me getting into heaven if I didn't accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior. At the same time, he talked the Christian talk of, "None of us are righteous and none of us should boast." Total contradiction and hypocritical in my book. I told him that was a holier than thou attitude no matter how you slice that Wonder Bread, and to say that there's only one route to the Divine. That's not unity, that's separation. That's not love, that's hate. We've gone back and forth on this for a while now and never seem to get anywhere other than, "Well, I love you," at the end of the conversation.
The most heart-wrenching thing for me in all of this has been the loss of the one person who I thought accepted me as I was and that's something I had to get over a while ago. When I was growing up, I didn't feel I could be myself at home with my mom and step-father because I was constantly walking on egg shells around the abusive, alcoholic ex-marine and at school, I was constantly ridiculed for being different, so the only time I could really let go and be myself was with my father who seemed to love me for me, encouraged my imagination, creativity and would dote on me to the point of giving me anything I ever asked for. He was God-like to me. I worshiped him. We worshiped each other.
I told my dad that if he wanted to see me again, he would have to either come to Los Angeles or pay for me to come to Indiana. My father has never had a lot of money, so I figured if he really cared, he would show it by saving up and buying me a plane ticket to come out there. Three years and a new wife later, that has yet to happen.
So I decided I'm going to be the bigger person here and go see him.
My uncle, his brother, has a web site about the history of the town I grew up in called HistoricColumbusIndiana.org. He has organized the first annual "Columbus! Celebrating Our History Day" on Saturday, July 15th in Donner Park where my father and I used to play on the playground and where he would perform concerts from time to time. Well, of course, my father is performing at the celebration so I decided there's no better time to go. I feel closer to my father's soul when I hear his music (it only recently became "worship" music) so to see him for the first time in three years at a performance sounded perfect to me. I booked the flight, the rental car, hotel room. I was set and decided I would make this a surprise and not tell him, namely because I didn't want him to get stressed out.
Well, yesterday, I was visiting my father's web site when I noticed a link in the upper left hand corner of the page. The link takes you to an evangelist's web site who has the audacity to put up things like: Do you want to get into Heaven? Click here now! I swear, I thought I was going to vomit. It went on to claim to know word for word what you need to say aloud to get into heaven and had the most ridiculous interpretations of scripture I've read in sometime, namely due to poor translation of original text and an overall lack of looking beneath the surface.
I became so enraged. I wanted to cry. I thought, how can I do this? I can't go see him like this. I just can't!
And then I remembered the blog entry I'd written at KabbalahCurious.com yesterday that was all about how this month is going to test us on giving unconditional love to those we've commited ourselves to without expecting anything in return, on accepting people's flaws and differences, on being tolerant and on recognizing that we are not the things we do but something deeper, more profound where our true essence is always God-like and healthy. I reached in and connected to that essence within me and asked God what to do and He answered, "Approach him with unconditional love."
So I called up poppa. He asked what I'd been up to and I said, "Loving you." He seemed taken aback a bit and I explained, "Look, I know we have our differences but there are certain people in this world who you commit yourself to loving unconditionally and man, you're sure one of those people for me. I really do love you." And the entire time, I was keeping in mind: I don't need him to return this gesture. I don't need his approval. I don't need his light on. I can only control what I'm giving him and what he chooses to do with it is none of my business. When the pitcher lets the baseball leave his hand, it is literally no longer in his hands.
In case you're wondering though, he said, "I love you too. That's very nice of you."
We talked for a while and he told me that he's been having throat problems lately and it hurts to sing. The doctor thinks there might be nodes on his vocal chords and he may have to cancel all of his upcoming gigs.
WHAT?!?!
Ok, so I had to tell him. I was like, "Look, you need to let me know if you're going to be performing in Donner Park on July 15th because I have tickets to come see you."
He seemed totally baffled and asked why I would spend so much money to come see him perform. "Dad," I said, "I would spend as much as I spent on Barbra Streisand tickets to come see you perform. And it's Columbus History Day! I wanted to come back to my roots and revisit my own history and support you and support my uncle in this great event that you're putting together."
Again. "Well, that's very nice of you."
LOL -- Dad isn't much on emotion these days! He's become very quiet as the years have continued. Which is weird, because he used to be just like me, bouncing off the walls with energy! Mental note: Don't get old, Jason.
So, off I go to Indiana next week to see daddy-o, regardless of whether he'll be performing or not! Oh and two days after I return home, my mom comes in town for a week. Yeh, it's the month of the parents. This is going to be a real test, ya know? Learning to approach these people without judgment.
The thing is, it all comes full circle. Because I know if I can do this, I can do anything. I can be Mikey's friend again.
P.S.: One of my favorite songs of his, "My Love," is on my Summer Playlist on my MySpace page at: http://www.myspace.com/jasonsechrest -- check it out!
JASON'S OTHER SITES:
JasonCurious.com
JasonSechrest.com
DV8Entertainment.com
RELATED SITES:
Kabbalah.com
72.com - Technology for the Soul
The Zohar - Weekly Studies
Weekly Kabbalah Wisdom
Weekly Kabbalah Astrology
Exclusively Kabbalah Group
The Logos
New World Astrology
SpiritualityforKids.com
Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com
When I told my father I was bi years ago, he didn't freak out by any means but just got very quiet and told me that it would take a while for him to process the information and deal with it in his own way. About a month later, his fourth wife died, leaving him with a newborn baby, my only sibling. He was so devastated, I think he had managed to completely forget what I had told him about my sexuality. A couple of years later, I mentioned it to him and he went silent on me for the rest of my Christmas visit. When I returned home, he told me he had honestly blocked it out until I reminded him and that he was worried about me getting into heaven if I didn't accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior. At the same time, he talked the Christian talk of, "None of us are righteous and none of us should boast." Total contradiction and hypocritical in my book. I told him that was a holier than thou attitude no matter how you slice that Wonder Bread, and to say that there's only one route to the Divine. That's not unity, that's separation. That's not love, that's hate. We've gone back and forth on this for a while now and never seem to get anywhere other than, "Well, I love you," at the end of the conversation.
The most heart-wrenching thing for me in all of this has been the loss of the one person who I thought accepted me as I was and that's something I had to get over a while ago. When I was growing up, I didn't feel I could be myself at home with my mom and step-father because I was constantly walking on egg shells around the abusive, alcoholic ex-marine and at school, I was constantly ridiculed for being different, so the only time I could really let go and be myself was with my father who seemed to love me for me, encouraged my imagination, creativity and would dote on me to the point of giving me anything I ever asked for. He was God-like to me. I worshiped him. We worshiped each other.
I told my dad that if he wanted to see me again, he would have to either come to Los Angeles or pay for me to come to Indiana. My father has never had a lot of money, so I figured if he really cared, he would show it by saving up and buying me a plane ticket to come out there. Three years and a new wife later, that has yet to happen.
So I decided I'm going to be the bigger person here and go see him.
My uncle, his brother, has a web site about the history of the town I grew up in called HistoricColumbusIndiana.org. He has organized the first annual "Columbus! Celebrating Our History Day" on Saturday, July 15th in Donner Park where my father and I used to play on the playground and where he would perform concerts from time to time. Well, of course, my father is performing at the celebration so I decided there's no better time to go. I feel closer to my father's soul when I hear his music (it only recently became "worship" music) so to see him for the first time in three years at a performance sounded perfect to me. I booked the flight, the rental car, hotel room. I was set and decided I would make this a surprise and not tell him, namely because I didn't want him to get stressed out.
Well, yesterday, I was visiting my father's web site when I noticed a link in the upper left hand corner of the page. The link takes you to an evangelist's web site who has the audacity to put up things like: Do you want to get into Heaven? Click here now! I swear, I thought I was going to vomit. It went on to claim to know word for word what you need to say aloud to get into heaven and had the most ridiculous interpretations of scripture I've read in sometime, namely due to poor translation of original text and an overall lack of looking beneath the surface.
I became so enraged. I wanted to cry. I thought, how can I do this? I can't go see him like this. I just can't!
And then I remembered the blog entry I'd written at KabbalahCurious.com yesterday that was all about how this month is going to test us on giving unconditional love to those we've commited ourselves to without expecting anything in return, on accepting people's flaws and differences, on being tolerant and on recognizing that we are not the things we do but something deeper, more profound where our true essence is always God-like and healthy. I reached in and connected to that essence within me and asked God what to do and He answered, "Approach him with unconditional love."
So I called up poppa. He asked what I'd been up to and I said, "Loving you." He seemed taken aback a bit and I explained, "Look, I know we have our differences but there are certain people in this world who you commit yourself to loving unconditionally and man, you're sure one of those people for me. I really do love you." And the entire time, I was keeping in mind: I don't need him to return this gesture. I don't need his approval. I don't need his light on. I can only control what I'm giving him and what he chooses to do with it is none of my business. When the pitcher lets the baseball leave his hand, it is literally no longer in his hands.
In case you're wondering though, he said, "I love you too. That's very nice of you."
We talked for a while and he told me that he's been having throat problems lately and it hurts to sing. The doctor thinks there might be nodes on his vocal chords and he may have to cancel all of his upcoming gigs.
WHAT?!?!
Ok, so I had to tell him. I was like, "Look, you need to let me know if you're going to be performing in Donner Park on July 15th because I have tickets to come see you."
He seemed totally baffled and asked why I would spend so much money to come see him perform. "Dad," I said, "I would spend as much as I spent on Barbra Streisand tickets to come see you perform. And it's Columbus History Day! I wanted to come back to my roots and revisit my own history and support you and support my uncle in this great event that you're putting together."
Again. "Well, that's very nice of you."
LOL -- Dad isn't much on emotion these days! He's become very quiet as the years have continued. Which is weird, because he used to be just like me, bouncing off the walls with energy! Mental note: Don't get old, Jason.
So, off I go to Indiana next week to see daddy-o, regardless of whether he'll be performing or not! Oh and two days after I return home, my mom comes in town for a week. Yeh, it's the month of the parents. This is going to be a real test, ya know? Learning to approach these people without judgment.
The thing is, it all comes full circle. Because I know if I can do this, I can do anything. I can be Mikey's friend again.
P.S.: One of my favorite songs of his, "My Love," is on my Summer Playlist on my MySpace page at: http://www.myspace.com/jasonsechrest -- check it out!
JASON'S OTHER SITES:
JasonCurious.com
JasonSechrest.com
DV8Entertainment.com
RELATED SITES:
Kabbalah.com
72.com - Technology for the Soul
The Zohar - Weekly Studies
Weekly Kabbalah Wisdom
Weekly Kabbalah Astrology
Exclusively Kabbalah Group
The Logos
New World Astrology
SpiritualityforKids.com
Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com
posted by Jason Sechrest | 1:51 PM
3 Comments:
than you jason this made me call my dad
wow Jason, thanks for sharing something so intimate..i think one of the hardest things in life is to not judge others, specially the ones we love. For some reason sometimes we are harder on them than on strangers. Why do you think so? Maybe because since we love them, we expect more of them? This has made me reflect about my own parents, i've always been so lucky cause both of them accept me as i am. It took a little bit longer to my dad, but he finally came to terms with it. Enjoy yourself and the time with your dad!!!!!!
Anonymous, KICK ASS! xo L, J.
Mario, Yes! It made me think of my mom in that way too, about how supportive she's been, appearing on my radio show and being so accepting of my sexuality and profession. Thank God for her. Literally! xo L, J.
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