Phoenix Rising

In case the ten thousand "quizzes" posted on my MySpace page didn't make it clear enough, I have been on a self analysis kick this past week. Just an extension of the past few entries on dreams and self-worth really, as I continue to face myself in the mirror on a daily basis and see how much I may not actually like myself as much as I had pretended to for years. The more I see how much I fear and hold myself back, the more I realize how consuming it has become.

The truth is, I don't think I've ever been so utterly terrified in my life.

It's sort of like this. I had a box of masks. And I wore a different one for every occasion because I hated my own face so much. But I got tired of it and decided to throw out the entire box. Now I am petrified of people seeing the real me. Warts and all. I live in total fear. And as we all know, I believe fear is Satan. So somehow, it's gotten its claws into me. Deep.

I could say I didn't always used to be this way, but I think that might be a lie. I just had the masks to keep me going. Throwing out that box has left me stripped, baring everything under the pink and at the same time, refreshingly, an empty slate.

I feel like I have been consistently let down by people in my life since as far back as I can remember. And so, to make sure the floor boards aren't taken out from under me ever again, I take them out from under myself so I at least am in control of it. That's pretty sick, isn't it? I am the only thing that stands in my way of making all of my dreams come true and believing in me.

My bravado, my confidence, my spiritual beliefs even -- they each resided in one of those masks. And now that the box is gone, I am faced with having to start from the ground up. So I'm starting to understand why newborns cry so much, you know? It does helps knowing that I'm the one who cooked up those masks in the first place and that their recipies must be within me. I just need to integrate them into me now.

I am forced to face, without these masks, the constant state of fear and self-judgment in which I put myself. I am forced to admit, without the facade, that I find my body and my face grossly unattractive, that I don't believe I could ever become the superstar I dreamt up when I was so young, that I have allowed other people's opinions and labels to become who I am, that I don't believe I will ever find my dream man and so I have consistently settled for someone I thought was lesser than me so that they'd never leave or someone I thought was more than me to the point that I felt I had to cling to them because they were the only ones who would ever put up with my sorry ass, and that I don't ever allow myself to trust in anyone or anything, not even God let alone the God within me.

And for the first time, when I catch myself in those habits, to say, "Now, now! What are you doing?" instead of saying, "Nope. That's not me. I'm not doing that at all. I'm over here!" Dealing vs. denial.

This is all kind of hard to explain, really. I think people who have been through or are going through something similar though will be able to "get it" and that's all I'm really concerned with. That and, I suppose, that just publishing an entry like this is the first step towards embracing vulnerability and putting my naked, flawed self out to feel the warmth of the sun for the first time.

To end this on a more positive note, let me tell you something: I've had it. I'm real mother fucking over it. I have felt this way for a long, long time -- and now that I've admitted it out loud, the battle is half over. I plan on aiming higher than I ever have before and I know in my soul, as I've always known, that I am destined for great things. I may be filled with fear at this moment, but I also know that everything worth achieving in life is scary and I have only one direction to go from here. It's just a matter of asking myself: "Whose side are you going to be on today?" And it should always be: "Mine."

And by the way, as always, I appreciate your love and support, those who read and write in consistently. It has gotten me through a particularly difficult year, more than you'll ever know. When others don't come through, you're always there. Rest assured, I am rising, phoenix from the flame, my own self this time and no one else's.


JASON'S OTHER SITES:
JasonCurious.com
JasonSechrest.com
DV8Entertainment.com


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Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com