Why Hot Runs Cold: A Work in Progress
In my constant journey of self-help, be it born of a desire to give the world the best version of myself or just being self consumed, I noticed something about me recently that needs to change. I was at dinner with an old friend the other night and we were discussing how we both have the same problem when it comes to sex with men we love. The moment they begin to completely adore us is the moment we become entirely turned off. Now, this isn't to say that we don't want that adoration from the beginning! Personally, I love being treated like a God when I stick my dick inside someone. I don't want a challenge. I want someone to beg for me. That is, the first time we have sex that's what I want. Maybe even the second time. Or third time. When you start hitting fourth or fifth time and you've definitely seen every nook and cranny of my naked body and you're still just drooling for it, something clicks inside of me to the point that I get nearly repulsed and don't want the person even touching me! My friend? The same problem. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of us out there have this problem.
Now, during the repulsed turn of phase, I, of course, convince myself that they were never very attractive to begin with and that's why I'm over them now. But the more I've thought about this in recent reflection, the more I realized it was completely unfounded. These were hot guys! Guys who, years later, I would resume fantasizing about! Hell, some of them were just plain drop dead gorgeous. So what does this tell us?
Well first of all, it tells us that it's not their problem, it's mine. (Big shock, huh!) And let's be honest, I've known this for a long time. I've known this was something I should probably be looking at and dealing with for years, but I never even gave it a second's thought -- probably because I knew if I did, I'd realize the reason for my behavior is pretty simple. It sucks, but it's simple!
I don't think anyone I think is really hot could possibly think I'm really hot!
I mean, if they think I'M really hot, they must be a total loser right?
These are the things that go through my head.
I used to think I couldn't even have sex with hot people. Waaaay back in the day! But then I started having sex with LOTS of hot people and I guess I started justifying it all in my head when it would happen. Oh, it was just the right place at the right time. Oh, they just wanted to experiment. Oh, he wants something else out of me. Oh, he must've been super horny. And I guess when it gets to a point that I can no longer find an excuse, I would rather turn myself off and shuck them to the curb than actually face the fact that someone I find hot as hell could feel the same way about me.
How I got to this point I'm not sure. I don't consider myself a person who has low self-esteem. But I definitely grew up feeling like a very unattractive child. So I blossomed and got better looking as I got older. Still didn't make me feel I could look hot to someone when I first get out of bed in the morning. So I got involved in front of the camera a lot! Still didn't feel cute without all that makeup and good lighting. So I lost a bunch of weight and got super thin! Still saw the same person when I looked in the mirror. No matter how cute we may think we are NOW, many of us can't help but feel, "Well, deep down inside, I'm just that nobody awkward ugly duckling I was way back when." But we're not. Um... are we?
Just recognizing this and knowing this is probably more than half the battle of dealing with the issue. Last night, someone was kissing me who I've kissed a hundred times before and at first, I felt nothing until I reminded myself of this little revelation and said, "You find him hot. He finds you hot. Fucking deal with it." And then I melted and it was the best kiss ever.
I'm a perfectionist and though I recognize we're all imperfect, I sure don't like it very much! I don't like my body being imperfect and so long as it is, which, let's face it, it will always be, I will never feel truly comfortable in my own naked body. Unless I accept that "perfect" is an illusion. Unless I stop putting such super human demands on myself. Unless I live in my spirituality of embracing the present moment which would include embracing my body in this present moment. Unless every time I feel scared to take my shirt off by the pool, I force myself to take it off and accept that nobody is even fucking looking anyway!
Unless I just finally accept that not only can I have everything I want, but love myself enough to know that I actually deserve it. And that can relate to a whole lot more than just sex, can't it?
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Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com
posted by Jason Sechrest | 9:15 PM
5 Comments:
Some really heavy metaphysical stuff has been happening , tell you about that later i love your sharing on kabala curious sweetie , you are right it is your problem see how we all project, think of that lovely Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale “the ugly duckling ‘he was defining himself by what other’s thought about him, I know we are only email buddies but if you don’t mind me saying so why didn’t you think you were hot enough, if you attracted a hot guy in the first place I think you are cute.
Bright blessings from down under
Martin
Marting - LOL... why did I not think I was hot even when I attracted a hot guy in the first place? Because you can have sex with all the hottest guys in the world and still feel like shit about yourself. In fact, usually that's WHY you're having sex with that many guys! Just ask any porn star with a good head on their shoulders! At the end of the day, their opinion doesn't really matter. If you are blind to the beauty even others can see in yourself, then you're screwed. And as a perfectionist who works in pornography, I'm also in a constant state of comparison. Does my body look like theirs? No. Does that mean someone with a body like that wouldn't like me as much as I like them? No, obviously not, yet I always think it does! So anyway, I'm working on it! lol... And it's getting better already. This is another one of those discoveries that eventually will just fall into being second nature the more that I catch myself in those moments and insist that I stop. xo L, J.
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Jason: i can share with you my experience. When i go out i have so many people often telling me how hot i am. I've had guys tell me: "you could have anyone you want". And i say: i wish that were true. Cause i totally do not feel that way.
And then every now and then i meet someone i feel really atracted to and it makes me feel like a little kid again. I get nervous, self concious and do not know how to act around them. I think of everything i am going to say a million times before i do. Some would call this insecurity. I don't. I think is good to meet someone that still shakes me that way and makes me feel like they are out of my league and like i am not cool enough. And then sometimes when i realize they actually like me too, i am so shocked!!! Is like in my head i go, like: i can't believe this guy is atracted to me. I think this is good. This shows we are still a bit humble. Self confidence is one thing. But too much can be arrogance and i still think is great to feel that nervousness and butterflies for someone else, that makes it for a much more enjoyable experience when you discover they think you are hot too. Peace.
Mario - I agree with you completely! Humility is awesome when you feel like, "Holy shit! How does THIS person like ME?" It only turns destructive when your system shuts down and you sudddenly find yourself unattraced to them because they are attracted to you! xo L, J.
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