Things Have Changed

Things have changed.

It's a little frightening actually. Who is this person?

There are mornings I wake up and I have no idea who this person is. But I love him so much and that's a first for me.

- Somewhere, somehow, someone convinced me that there's no such thing as a monogamous gay relationship. That the idea of going behind someone's back and doing something you shouldn't is too hot to resist. This is not true! There are plenty of people repulsed by the mere thought of hurting someone they love. Not everyone is so selfish.

- I am a gentleman at heart, especially when it comes to relationships. I am my father's son. I may smack you around and spit on you in the bedroom, but I want to open the door for you at dinner and bring you a flower when I pick you up. I want to give selflessly (as I did in my last relationship, even!) because where I'm pulling from, I have an endless supply. I'm not afraid of running out of what I've got to give.

- Condoms. I'm using them. And I like using them! I like not using them too, don't get me wrong! LOL... I'm not going for sainthood. But health and self-preservation have become more important to me than self-indulgence now that I believe in my future.

- Adult entertainment has become like a 9 to 5 for me. It's work. And I love the family and I love the people and I love the work. But it isn't what I came here to do and it isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. As a side business? Directing, producing? Keeping my company and site alive? Perhaps. But I have more to give as an artist (actor, musician, writer -- even director, maybe) than the audience here is willing to receive. It's like going to an Adam Sandler comedy and getting a foreign film instead. And you may well like both Adam Sandler comedies AND foreign films! But the bottom line is, the foreign film ain't what you came to see.

- These days, I believe what I feel in my heart to be true instead of what I see around me. This got beat out of me at some point. I started hearing, "Well, can you name one relationship where... ?" "Well, can you think of one person who has succeeded at... ?" Physical reality can kiss my ass. Because it ain't reality in my book. And any scientist, philosopher or priest will tell you the same thing. Laws and "reality" are meant to be broken. Example: Gravity to Airplane.

- I have always been the kind of person who says, "I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I can accomplish anything by myself and I don't need anyone's help." Fuck that. I have a lot to prove in the way of my talent and I am going to need friends, an agent, a support system, a good break, etc. to make things happen for me. I haven't even scratched the surface of what I'm capable of and that's something I have to prove not only to the world, but to myself.

- People change. And when they become something that is no longer healthy for you to be around, you cherish the person you knew and you let this new stranger go with love and without judgment. Or sometimes it's just you that changes! And that requires a re-evaluation and letting go as well.

- Worth. I deserve a real "partner," my ideal Selfless Gentleman and Private Whore. (And that's not expecting perfection. It's expecting someone to give it their all.) I deserve to be starring in the next Spielberg film because I'm certainly as good if not better than some of the actors in his last one. I deserve friends who aren't half enemies. (And they exist!) I deserve better than a one night stand. (And if it's gonna be a one night stand, it better be something ridunkulously hot! haha No more of this shit, "Oh well, at least he has a nice butt.") I deserve to be healthy. I deserve money. I deserve sleep. I deserve all my dreams coming true. And if for some reason they're not in my cards, I can go to my death bed saying, "I never lost sight of the dream and what I was worth..."

The dark cloud has been lifted. I suddenly realize that last year was like... growing pains. I may be single, broke and overwhelmed with work, but I've never been happier to be alive in my life.


JASON'S OTHER SITES:
JasonCurious.com
JasonSechrest.com
DV8Entertainment.com

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Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com